ihath

My friend is upset at me. Why do you criticize Israel? My friend asks. Israel is the only democracy in the Middle East. Israel has the right to exist. Israel has the right to defend itself. Don’t you know about the holocaust. Why don’t you criticize Arab regimes, Why don’t you criticize Saddam Hussein. Why don’t you criticize Osama Bin Laden. You are defending and excusing terrorism. Arabs are using Israel as an escape goat for their own failings.

My dear friend, you are telling me that Arab society is brutal; you see I don't think that Arab society can be brutal, I know it. I have lived in the Middle East for 22 years and I have seen that brutality first hand. You are telling me that Arab regimes are corrupt, I know that very well my dear friend for I have lived in Saddam Hussein shadow for many years and I still get nightmares about it today. You are telling me that many Arabs blame Israel and the US for their own failings, I haven't read that in some article, I have heard the pathetic " US does this to us and Israel does that to us" a million times. When you read the translated transcript of something that Osama Bin Laden said and it scares you, I understand what he is saying in his own words, I understand the historical references he is drawing on and when he quotes the Quaran I know which sura he is referring to. Believe me his message is much more terrifying in Arabic than the translated English you read. The most terrifying of all is that I can feel some his anger inside me. So what do we do with all this knowledge, what do we do with all these facts? We have two choices, we can use it to demonize all Arabs all around the world and call for complete annihilation, or we can decide to take constructive action and attempt to reach peoples hearts, minds and souls. Ask yourself what is it that I am trying to achieve? Kill, destroy and maim, well congratulations the world situation is so ripe for that. Have a blast. Because if you believe it is justified to deny basic human rights to millions of people despite the fact that they are imperfect, the problem is not your intellect, I can see you are a very intelligent person and you know your history inside out. The problem is not in your emotions; I can see from the passion you display about this issue that part of you is alive and well. The problem is inside your soul. Get spiritual guidance and I can't help you with that.

"If only there were evil people somewhere insidiously
committing evil deeds and it were necessary only to
separate them from the rest of us and destroy them.
But the line dividing good and evil cuts through the
heart of every human being. And who is willing to
destroy a piece of his own heart."- Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn

I have read many articles on alternative media websites. Frequently, I see words like anti war, anti poverty, anti corporate control and anti BC liberal. Article after article is condemning the American war machine and the corrupt capitalist system. Something feels missing. There is a lack of agenda in the whole thing. Rarely do I read “ and here is what we are going to do about it”. Here are the steps we will take to improve on it. I can't just define myself as being anti this or anti that, I have to be pro something. A better alternative, a vision that people can rally behind and support.

I lived in Israel for 4 years starting in 1996. Living there was difficult for me but it taught me many valuable lessons. I met with many crazy fanatics on both sides of the conflict that believe God is on their side and anybody who doesn't agree with them deserves to die. On the other hand, I met with lots of so called intellectuals, so called moderate people. Many of them are intelligent, well educated and each one had his or her own philosophy and complex analysis of the situation. People that claim they want peace and that they are against the use of violence. What struck me most is the relative inaction of this group. I would go to a meeting and people would go on and on about the brutality of the Israeli army, the historical context of the conflict, the unfairness of the whole situation ...etc. Very rarely did I hear somebody say and here is what I suggest we do about it.

I don't blame the Israeli army, they are doing their job (killing people). I don't blame Hamas, in their mind they are doing what God wants them to do. How can you say no to God? I blame myself, my husband and all the millions of so called intellectuals, so called reasonable people who watch, we shake our heads, talk about how bad things are and then do nothing. Today for a Palestinian, on one hand there is the Palestinian authority that is completely corrupt and lacks all credibility, on the other hand, there are fanatics who use mental terrorism as well as physical terrorism to further their goals, but at least they are doing something to combat the Israeli occupation. It is us, the so called left wing, reasonable people who failed to create, verbalize a third alternative, a third vision. I went to a political meeting in Nazareth where all these very smart people started discussing if Trotsky was right or not. I wanted to shout at them, "People are starving to death in the Gaza strip, what are you talking about!” I sat politely in the meeting and said nothing.

Two weeks after my second daughter was born in Jerusalem, I left her with my mom and decided to go for a little walk. I ended up walking around the Hebrew University to a part that looks over Essawiya (a Palestinian village). There was a gathering of Israeli army and police. They were about to demolish a house inside the village. Women were shouting, children were crying. A young Palestinian man was standing on the side watching. He was just standing there with his arms tied in front of him. Then, for no reason, an Israeli soldier shot him in the chest. No reason at all. Later I found out that this young man wasn't even one of the inhabitants of the demolished house, he wasn't even related to the family. On the news it was reported that he was throwing rocks. Do you know what I did? Nothing. I just stood there watching, it is not a pretty sight seeing somebody shot in the chest. I kept thinking, if I do something crazy I might get shot too. I am a mother, I don't want my children to grow up motherless. I went back home, It was a nice day in my affluent Jewish neighborhood "French Hill". People were walking around, children were playing. When I told my husband about what happened he told me "Elen, be reasonable". My neighbor and close friend told me to be reasonable. Don't be crazy you did the right thing. I heard that about 100 times. If I did the right thing, then how come I feel so rotten about it. Yes, I can blame the army, the Palestinian authority, Hitler the Ottoman Empire and a whole bunch of other parties. I blame myself. I failed that man, I watched him get killed and I did nothing. I am a coward. A very intelligent, well educated, very reasonable coward.

When I came back to Vancouver Canada, I simply wanted to forget about the Middle East. I avoided listening to the news, didn't want to meet anybody from there, not Israeli nor Arab. When my husband wanted to hang some Palestinian embroidery on the wall I told him that looking at it is simply to painful, it reminds me of Jerusalem. I insisted that he takes it down. I simply wanted to forget about it all and put it behind me. I felt very bitter and upset. Upset at myself for wasting 4 years out of my life. I was talking to a friend of mine who happens to be a therapist and she told me that I sound like a traumatized person. I realized that she is right; I have witnessed great injustice and inhumanity. The memories were haunting me. I felt like such a coward, here I was in the middle of it all, witnessing the occupation first hand and what did I do about it? Did I raise a voice? Did I scream this is wrong? No, I was busy adjusting to it, looking the other way, pretending it was going to be ok.

Most of the Israelis I met where just regular people, just like me. The families I socialized with were not different from my own family. On the other hand, I was shocked by the horrible atrocities and inhumanity that I saw in the west bank. Who are these monsters? Why doesn't anybody care? Am I any different? Am I capable of committing such acts? Would I be able to shoot somebody? I asked myself these questions a thousand times, It was driving me crazy. I think the problem was rooted in my perception of the world. I remember watching Czech and Russian movies about WWII, the Nazis were depicted as pure evil. They had evil smiles, faces carved from stone, showed absolutely no empathy, complete psychopaths. In most movies the super evil guy looks super evil. That is a big lie. The pure psychopaths do exist but they are very rare. Average people just like me commit the real evil, not complete psychopaths but then not complete saints either. I realized that the problem is not Hitler, Sharon or Saddam Hussein. It is all the millions of people who follow blindly like sheep, or if they question, do so quietly. We are enabling and empowering these mad men to get away with it, because we lack conviction in the alternative. I also realized that the reason I was feeling rotten about my whole experience in Israel, was not because of anything that Israel Defense Forces did, rather it was my feeling of guilt about how I reacted to it. My lack of action and conviction is why I felt so much pain. The only way to deal with all these emotions was to do something positive and constructive with it. I have been active with a local grass root organization. I avoid people who whine and complain, yet do nothing. I am not afraid of the Ariel Sharon or Osama bin Laden, at least their agenda is clear and they do as they say, I am afraid of all people who shake their heads and do nothing. We need to verbalize and create an alternative viable vision; if our leadership won't do it for us then people like you and me need to do it ourselves. I am still Elen, but I am no longer reasonable.

This article was made into a radio documentry titled A Very Reasonable Moment ; it was broadcast on CBC Radio 1.

“Opinions are like assholes, everybody has one.” That is what my brother likes to say. I think he read that in a book.

Recently an acquaintance of mine, Richard (not his real name), asks me where my husband is from. I tell him my husband is Palestinian. “That is an interesting problem”, Richard responds without missing a beat. “While I have sympathy for the poor Palestinian people, they must realize that their terrorism will lead to no-where” Richard continues to tell me about his advice for the Palestinian people. “Israel must defend itself against terrorists, otherwise if they give in it will be their end”. I node my head and smile politely while saying nothing. After about 20 minutes, Richard takes a breather and asks me “So what do you think?”. I tell him that it has been my policy not to discuss politics for the last two years. Richard looks annoyed; he really wants to know what I think now. After a moment of uncomfortable silence he proceeds to tell me what he thinks about allowing gay marriages, his opinions on both subjects are equally enlightened. Richard knows exactly what the Palestinians should do and exactly how homosexuals should behave. He is a smart guy.

I remember about 10 years ago, I had very definite opinions on parenting. I had this image of the perfect mother I would become. All the mistakes I would never make. I would never yell at my children, always treat them with patience, there would be an abundance of understanding and love all round. In that fantasy, there were no tantrums, no dirty diapers and I was never tired or cranky. I was full of advice for other parents, until I had my own children. If only I had the wisdom to listen. I gained a whole new appreciation of my own mom and dad. Suddenly, as if by magic, I gained a sense of forgiveness for the few mistakes they made. I certainly don’t dare give any parent my advice on parenting. When somebody tells me about a hardship they are facing with their children, I listen and try to offer a similar story from my own experience. I tell them about things that worked and things that failed in my experience. Then there is my friend Tim (not his real name), who likes to tell me how I should raise my children. “You must give them enough independence”, “Make sure they are eating enough fruits and vegetables”, “You must encourage them to explore things and think for themselves”, “Reading a book every night is very important” are just a few of his tidbits of wisdom on parenting. Tim can go on for an hour telling me about proper parenting methods, the only problem is that Tim doesn’t have any children. I node my head and smile patiently at him. The reason I don’t tell him to shut up and mind his own business is because, in him I recognize the naïve, idealistic, well meaning, self righteous, pompous idiot I used to be. What can I say to Tim to describe what parenting is all about. How can I describe the pain of guilt when you know you made a mistake as a parent. The sinking feeling in my stomach when one of my kids is sick or the heart piercing joy when one of my kids says “Mommy I want to kiss you”. I can’t describe parenting to Tim, he can only discover it on his own. However, I know enough to completely ignore everything Tim has to say about the subject. I sure hope people ignored my advice on parenting in the past. One day, Tim might decide to face the truth with parenting and take a few sips from that bitter sweat cup. On that day, we will be able to have a meaningful dialog about parenting, until then, I will node my head, smile patiently and wish Tim all the best.

Dear Richard might one day decide to go visit a refugee camp or hang around Gaza for a couple of weeks. Watch settlers harass a helpless Palestinian farmer. See the look in a child’s eye while his or her father is being humiliated by a soldier. See a bulldozer run over an unarmed peace activist. See for himself what 36 years of military occupation really means. I wonder if he would tell people he meets there that they are an “Interesting problem”. One day Richard might decide to face the truth about his opinions, until then what can I say? What can I tell him? Maybe my silence will create curiosity about a reality not endorsed by CNN.

Yes, I got an opinion too, but I learned to shit in private. Only babies get to do it in their diapers. You probably guessed it by now; I am toilet training my youngest and all the happy accidents are starting to wear me out. That is what this article is really about. Toilet Training.