Iraqi Comedy
I was going to write about something completely different, but the young and restless are asking for comic relief, so here goes.
“O' ye people! Women are deficient in faith, deficient in shares and deficient in intelligence. With regards to deficiency in their faith, it is their abstention from prayers and fasting during their menstrual period. With regards to deficiency in their intelligence it is because the evidence of two women is equal to that of one man. As for the deficiency of their shares that is because of their share in inheritance being half of men. So beware of the evils of women. Be on your guard even from those of them who might seem good. Do not obey them, even when they ask you to do good things so that they may not attract you to evils later.”
That is the English translation of sermon number 80 from Nahj Al-Blagha (path of eloquence). The famous collection of sermons by Imam Ali. Now, Imam Ali was married to Fatima, the prophet’s daughter. Considered to be the finest of the finest of women. If this is what Imam Ali has to say about women being married to the finest of the finest. Imagine what he would have to say if he was married to average nagging Iraqi wife. Ayayayeeeeee. The thought brings chills down my spine.
Whenever my husband is not talking to me, usually because I either did or said something stupid. I pick up my copy of Path of Eloquence and flip to sermon number 80. I proceed to read the Arabic text projecting my voice all around the room, making dramatic gestures with my hands and annunciating the words “deficient in faith”, “deficient in intelligent” deliberately. This theatrical display usually gets at least a smile from my dear Za’atrah. We laugh our heads off, kiss and make up.
I should thank Ameer al Mu’imeneen (prince of the believers – common nick name for Imam Ali) for saving me in a few tight spots when saying a simple “Sorry I didn’t mean that” seemed inadequate.
Yes, I know. I am going to hell for such brazen actions. But think about it. Where would you rather go? Hell or heaven? Think about all the people going to heaven, Ayatoallah Khomeny, Sistani, The Pope, His Holiness the Dalai Lama and mother Teresa. They will be all up there praying, chanting and meditating. Now think for one second about all the people going to hell. Elvis Presley, Merlyn Monroe, Madonna and all the other good sinners. Down there is hell we will be having a good disco party, dancing, good music, woohoo. Who would you rather spend eternity with? I think I would rather go to hell, thank you.
“O' ye people! Women are deficient in faith, deficient in shares and deficient in intelligence. With regards to deficiency in their faith, it is their abstention from prayers and fasting during their menstrual period. With regards to deficiency in their intelligence it is because the evidence of two women is equal to that of one man. As for the deficiency of their shares that is because of their share in inheritance being half of men. So beware of the evils of women. Be on your guard even from those of them who might seem good. Do not obey them, even when they ask you to do good things so that they may not attract you to evils later.”
That is the English translation of sermon number 80 from Nahj Al-Blagha (path of eloquence). The famous collection of sermons by Imam Ali. Now, Imam Ali was married to Fatima, the prophet’s daughter. Considered to be the finest of the finest of women. If this is what Imam Ali has to say about women being married to the finest of the finest. Imagine what he would have to say if he was married to average nagging Iraqi wife. Ayayayeeeeee. The thought brings chills down my spine.
Whenever my husband is not talking to me, usually because I either did or said something stupid. I pick up my copy of Path of Eloquence and flip to sermon number 80. I proceed to read the Arabic text projecting my voice all around the room, making dramatic gestures with my hands and annunciating the words “deficient in faith”, “deficient in intelligent” deliberately. This theatrical display usually gets at least a smile from my dear Za’atrah. We laugh our heads off, kiss and make up.
I should thank Ameer al Mu’imeneen (prince of the believers – common nick name for Imam Ali) for saving me in a few tight spots when saying a simple “Sorry I didn’t mean that” seemed inadequate.
Yes, I know. I am going to hell for such brazen actions. But think about it. Where would you rather go? Hell or heaven? Think about all the people going to heaven, Ayatoallah Khomeny, Sistani, The Pope, His Holiness the Dalai Lama and mother Teresa. They will be all up there praying, chanting and meditating. Now think for one second about all the people going to hell. Elvis Presley, Merlyn Monroe, Madonna and all the other good sinners. Down there is hell we will be having a good disco party, dancing, good music, woohoo. Who would you rather spend eternity with? I think I would rather go to hell, thank you.
1:43 PMFew saadi alheli Jokes would have been enough for me :)
1:57 PM
If you know a good one, then please do share.
3:09 PM
here you go:
http://sadi-hili.8m.com/new_folder/Sadi4.htm
3:17 PM
I only read 3 of the jokes on that site and they are all terrible. I thought you knew some funny jokes.
3:28 PM
sorry!
I thought you already knew that all saadi's jokes are like that...
3:29 PM
Now you have to tell me a funny joke to offset the bad image in my head.
3:37 PM
bad image :(
a funny joke..
think Mohammed think!
ah yes:
هند انشاء مجلس الحكم ، قام تحالف
سياسي بين الحزب الشيوعي العراقي وحزب الدعوة الاسلامية، أنتج بالتالي حزبا تحت عنوان:شدعوة وشعاره: يا عمال العالم صلوا على محمد
do i see a smile...?
3:39 PM
:-)
too bad we can't translate that to English. Very funny. I am telling that one to my dad.
3:55 PM
phew... I've been saved
glad u like it :)
10:10 PM
Bad ihath, bad bad ihath, a party in hell?
2amer ilmo2mineen would be damn angry itha qira shkitabte!
:)
me*
1:06 AM
http://www.forward.com/main/article.php?ref=kerry200408251051
This might not relate directly to your post but u might find it interesting. Also would like to know ur views on how legitimate it is i.e. real or scammed.
9:08 AM
الكاتب لازم يخون وطنه، قرأت هذه العباره في مجله بالانكليزي. مش فاكره مين الي كتبها. ولاكن علقت في دماغي علشان مافهمتش معناها. ليش الكاتب لازم يخون وطنه؟ هذا كلام غريب. اليوم انا اخيرا فهمت هذه العباره.
انا ممكن ان اعطي ولائي لاشياء كثيره. ممكن ان اكون مأمنه للوطن، للدين، لحزب سياسي، لعائله، لجنسي ولاشياء كثيره اخري. ولاكن الكاتب الجيد وظيفته ان يتحدي افكارنا, ان يخلينا نتخيل خارج القالب. ان نحرر افكارنا. ان نتجرأ ان نفكر بطريقه جديده. وبلتالي يصبح ولاؤه للحقيقه و للإنسانيه.
اليوم انا مصره ان اخون وطني وجنسيتي وديني و ثقافتي. الاشياء هذه خانتني من زمان ولاكن انا كنت عايشه في حاله خداع النفس.
يا خالد، الامام علي بيقولك انه امك فرد غير نافع في المجتمع ولاكن انت زعلان علي إيهاث لأنها ذكرت الموظوع؟
1:07 PM
لسه اجى على بالي
اتخيل ايهاث قررت تدخل عالنار من شان الحفلة ويا مادونا و مايكل جاكسون
فلنفترض ان شخص معين بيدخل النار
فلنفترض ان
صدام حسين بيدخل عجهنم
بيكون هناك في ال
natural habitat
تبعته
و بتكون ايهاث المسكينة هربت منه في الدنيا لكنه بيضل يطارد فيها :)
بالنسبة للامام علي
ما تخلينا نحكم على الناس بكلام نتايج ما بعد العولمة و ما بعد الثورة الصناعية و هما كانوا عايشين بزمن غير الزمن...
الكاتب لازم يخون وطنه
عبارة قوية يا ايهاث
الكاتب يا اما بيميل لليمين و الدفاع عن "امجاد" وطنه ، او بيميل لليسار و التجديد فبيهاجم الوضع القائم من اجل وضع آخر أحسن و افضل و اكثر انسانية
أقدر اقول اني مع التاني طبعا
و في عبارة لنزار قباني بيقول فيها: الكتابة عمل تحريضي
لكن برجع و أفكر ان عمري ما بنتقد بلدي و ثقافتي و ديني لخدمة ناس عارف انهم ما بيهتموا سوى باستغلال نقدي للتخريب مش للتطوير.. بهدف التحقير و نزع الانسانية عن صنف الناس اللي أنا بنتميلهم... ساعتها بقول انا آسف.. ما بقدر اشترك..
2:25 PM
That was a great comment Mohammed !
3:01 PM
I agree with Highlander, that is very well put.
9:31 PM
i agree with mohammed, hilander too:))
ihath, 2ana ma momkin 2az3al minnik, i7na thnenatna bnafs ilmo3askar, bnafs iljabha, bas as mohammed said, il2intiqad 2a7yanan yakoon sabab lil2isa2a lideenak o baladak o nafsak 2amam il2akhareen, kho9oo9an ilmasa2il ildeniyya lamman towda3 fee qalib `3er 9a7ee7, wana know il qalib il9a7ee7? that would be a long religion debate i can throu if you are interestd, but what i am saying is specially when it comes to relegion ihath, dont write in english unless you understand *exactly* what you are talking about, ilkitaba mas2ooliyya chibeera, as you know, o bachir ra7 yiji wa7id ygool deenkom motakhallif o ma yo7torom ilmar2a, bdaleel innaho 2ako moslima 2isimha ihath said this and that, i know you mean well, know what i mean?
9:31 PM
This post has been removed by a blog administrator.
4:30 AM
شكرا هايلاندر!
خالد انا ما كنت بحكي على ايهاث لما اتكلمت عن خدمة مصالح الآخرين
انا كنت بناقش بصورة عامة جملة الكاتب لازم يخون وطنه
بصراحةالمثال اللي كان على بالي يا خالد من الكتاب العراقيين أكيد انت بتعرفه و مش راح أقوله هنا
أضربلك مثال
سنة 2002 ، لما شارون عمل اجتياح للضفة ، العالم كله كان مستفز ، في مؤلف مسرحي مصري اختار هذا الوقت ليسافر اسرائيل و يعرض مسرحية من تاليفه بتبين سيئات المجتمع المصري
بالنسبة لي ده فعلا كاتب خاين لوطنه و لشعبه لكن بالمعنى السيئ
لان مكتبتي فيها عشرات ولا مئات الكتب اللي بتنتقد مصر و المجتمع المصري بأسوء صورة ممكنة
بس بهالصورة ، ما كان انتقاد و لا بطيخ ... كان تنويم لضمير الاسرائيليين و تغذية لكل مشاعرهم السيئة ضد العرب..
او مثال "خبير" عربي يخرج على التلفزيون و يقولهم ان العرب قتالين قتلة و مو مشكلة انكم قتلتم منهم 700 في اسبوعين و الدليل ... معركة صفين و واقعة الجمل.. هما كانوا بيقتلوا بعض بالأصل ... بس احنا بنقتلهم في سبيل انهم يتطوروا..
9:36 AM
Ok, just to check that I got it straight
2 = أ
3= ع
7=ح
9=خ
أنا سعيده بهاذا الجدال لاني اعتقد انه مهم وبيطرح نقاط مهمه اللي بفكر فيها من فترة. انا بتفق بكل تأكيد مع خالد و محمد. كذالك انا واعيه للحمله الدعائيه ضد العرب والاسلام في الغرب. انا ساكنه في الغرب وكل يوم بسمع أو بشوف حاجه اللي بتقول إنا إحنا مجموعه متخلفه من الناس من كل النواحي. بيتهمونا إنا إحنا متعصيبين بس بينسوا أن امريكا هيه اللي ساندت العناصر الاكثر تعصبآ في مجتمعاتنا. وبكل تأكيد في إستغلال لنقاط الضعف في مجتمعاتنا لغرض التحقير والاذلال. هذا واقع موجود. من جهه ثانيه ثقافتنا فيها نقص في نقطة الأعتراف بعيوبنا. احنا في حاجه الي تفكير منطقي وموظوعي. لازم نحاول ان نتقد انفسنا زي ما بنتقد الأخرين. مجتمعاتنا فيها مشاكل كثيره ولازم نواجه هذه المشاكل بصراحه وشجاعه. مثلا انا بحترم كثيرا الكاتب العراقي وعالم الإجتماع علي الوردي و كذالك الكاتبهة المغربيه فاطمه المرنيسي إللي بتنقد وظع المرأه في العالم الإسلامي. وغيرهم من المفكرين. هنا لب المشكله. كيف تعمل نقد بناء اللي يأدي لتحسن علي أرض الواقع من دون أن تسمح لعمليه الإستخلال. الصراحه أنا ما بعرف جواب لهذه المشكله. السكوت غير مقبول. وكذالك العكس.
10:28 AM
كيف ننتقد بهدف تصحيح الاوضاع و في نفس الوقت نتجنب اننا نكون أداة للتشويه....
أنا كنت بالأول و أنا اصغر شوية بميل الى السكوت و عدم "نشر الغسيل الوسخ" أمام الأغراب
أما دلوقتي فبقدر أقول ان بالنسبة لي انتقاد الأوضاع السيئة أكتر أهمية من السكوت... ليش؟ لأن السكوت على الأوضاع السيئة بيعني مزيد و مزيد من التخلف لمجتمعاتنا و مزيد من الظلم و بالنتيجة بنصير اضعف و بنصير prone لحملات التشويه و الاستغلال اكتر...و هو موقف منافق بيفكرني بنكتة عن مسؤولي النضافة عندنا بمصر ، انهم لقوا السياح بيصوروا كوم زبالة فقالوا انه تشويه لصورة مصر ...... فبنوا سور حوالين كوم الزبالة عشان ما يخلوا السياح يصوروا...:)
ليش ما نشيل الزبالة من شانا احنا و من شان البيئة و حياتنا و مية طز بالسياح و اللي بيقولوه؟
لكن كيف يكون الانتقاد
دايما أفضل يكون بالعربية... مش عشان الأجانب ما يقروه ، بس عشان الناس المعنيين اللي هما العرب يقروه!
و ثاني شيئ : الانتقاد غير السباب ، يعني الكاتب البعيد عن الواقع بيوجه خطاب استعلائي لجمهوره ، و هو عاجز عن ادراك أي سبب تاريخي أو من البيئة أو اقتصادي أو اجتماعي بيفرض نمط معين من الحياة...
ثالث شي: انه يكون في أرضية مشتركة يبدأ منها الكاتب حديثه مع القراء
و اخيرا ، هذي تعود للكاتب ، انه يكون واعي كيف يتم استخدامه ، يعني بيقرروا يشنوا الحرب على سوريا و "فجأة" بيهتموا بكاتب معارض سوري و يطلبوا منه يهاجملهم المجتمع السوري شوية... اللي بيقوم بهذا الدور مو كاتب هذا بروستيتيوت...
حاء=7
عين = 3
صاد= 9
طاء=6
و بتزودي شرطة للظاء و الغين و الخاء و الضاد
7:12 PM
Lia asked me to post this on her behalf
Lia said:
Half solutions Mohammad, cut and run, typical Arab…
To start with, aren’t the same teachings of the same religion of the past still prevailing, amply impacting, and sheepishly guiding millions of people? Should we deem unsuitable why not change then, instead of letting them wrongly exploited and rocket gigantically loose, causing all this anarchy in our world
Talking loud, pinpointing and discussing the flaws and blemishes is the only way out of the encroaching shell; instead of vindicating, better name, diagnose and find a cure
The western world is by no means infallible or unerring; they have problems worse than ours; but they advert with soundness, away from anarchy and hallow egotism and the everlasting living in the glory of the past that is haunting us day and night
It’s this growing sense of injustice we believe the western world inflicted upon us, that is sourcing all this enmity, and venting eventually out some dilapidating anger, adding further to the mess, and wiping out what’s left of our reputation as a civilized nation; we must heal points of weaknesses first so as others stop stealing through
It’s this ever-nagging inferiority complex, that we must dwell at first that is conducing to such unreasonable bitterness and grudge, blaming others for mere own failure and the lacking of sport spirit accepting differentials in points of views;
Talking about own blemishes or even nailing them by no means degrade or make you less patriotic, but lead healthily instead to rectification; then again, not talking about does not keep them lidded in this bursting era of telecommunication
Had the west exploited our defects, then it was only when we allowed them to, when they found ostriches insisting on burying their heads in the sand refusing to reclaim, and thence only the nation was branded
Fanaticism and wrong understanding of the essence of religion was and will forever
reservoir all these impairments and cause all these disasters and backhandedness; the long journey of reform begins only when religion is completely separated from the secular life and delimited to spiritual guidance only, and Europe and the Indulgences of hundred years ago should act as a good lesson and warning of others’ histories that is repeating itself, somewhere else
7:49 PM
ليش هالعصبية ليا :)
امتى انا قلت انو احنا مو محتاجين نصحح اشياء كتيرة ، و ننتقدها و نغيرها...؟
بالعكس انا قلت اني "دايما" مع ها الرأي ، بس جملة خيانة الوطن لفتت نظري الى نقطة معينة و هيا الفرق بين النقد و التشويه و قلت فيها رأيي و ناقشته مع ايهاث... و ارجعي لمثال "الزبالة" اللي أنا قلته ، لما قلت اننا مفروض نشيل الزبالة من حياتنا مش عشان ما يقولوا عنا وسخين ، لأ عشانا احنا.. لان تجمع الزبالة عندنا شيئ سيئ...
عموما انا شايف ان معركتي هي داخل العالم العربي و باللغة العربية و كتير جدا قلت هالكلام لخالد جرار ، اني حاطط اهتمامي على اني أخلي مجتمعي و ناسي أحسن.. و يعني ما في داعي اني أحط سي في تثبت الأشياء اللي حاولت اعملها و اغيرها...
جملة الامام علي هيا اللي زعلتك لانها المرة الوحيدة اللي أنا ذكرت فيها شيئ عن الدين
هيا مجرد ملحوظة و انا مش حابب أتكلم فيها كتير...الا لو طلبت انت طبعا...
نظرتنا للدين محتاجة تغيير... اكيد... شجاعة اكتر في التفكير .. اكيد... طريقة التعاطي في السياسة و الدين .. اكيد... الدين مصدر كل الشرور... لأ مش مقتنع بهالرأي..
أكيد طبعا انت مستفزة من المهاويس و تفسيرهم التكفيري للدين... بس أنا عايش معهم و شايفهم بتياراتهم و اتجاهاتهم و تدرجاتهم..
يعني ساعات لما بشوف عمل ارهابي دمي بيغلي و بتمنى اني أمسك ال*** و اخلص عليهم ، لكن لما اتذكر ان دول شباب مثلي ظروف مجتمعنا السياسية و الثقافية و الأشياء اللي اتعلموها و الأفكار اللي سمعوها هي اللي خلتهم بدل ما يتزوجوا و يكونوا أسرة و يساهموا في بناء المجتمع ، يصيروا قتلة متوحشين ، بزداد اصرار و تصميم على اني اكون جزء من تيار تصحيحي...
اما بالنسبة لتيبيكال آراب..
يعني لما قريتي كام سطر ليا صنفتيني داخل اطار العقل العربي التقليدي.. ( و اللي هوا كما هو مفهوم شيئ غبي و مهووس بلوم الغرب و اسرائيل على كل شيئ دون اي سبب و متحجر و ما بيتعلم )
على العموم شكرا... انا تيبيكال آراب ... شعري أسود و فيا كل المواصفات... و كمان مسلم و بصلي و بصوم ... و متعاطف مع العروبة...
أنا
guilty as charged
5:54 AM
Lia said:
I agree and disagree Mohammed…
Patriotism is not for bargaining whatsoever; that I agree with, and applaud your sense of belonging
Wrong doings however, are cancerously infiltrating, and wishing or even vindicating as I said before, does not put things on the right track, but as you said, something has to be done so as righteousness prevail; that I have commented about in my last post
I disagree nonetheless on the last part of your last post, because you yourself intentionally or not, stuffed up
What’s wrong is wrong; dressing up the truth doesn’t make it more pleasant;
Things pretty much intermingle and the core of the whole problem lies in religion
And it all starts as simple as bragging Mohammed
You and me know what a flaunting nation we are, in every sense of the word;
Bragging starts with small secular things right until it gets to the zone where bragging is the least tolerated: RELIGION
All religions preach modesty; but in our region, people brag when they pray, when the fast, and even when they go in pilgrimages they brag even the most, and end up patronizing God for being good
Overdoing something, means exaggerating, going to the extreme, where does bragging lead us ultimately then? In simple words, to fanaticism, that is: (extremism)
We start assuming the role of God when we practise religions extremely:
Judging and punishing people for not praying, for not fasting, and even punishing them for not wearing hijab or else, and ultimately killing them for their different religions, beliefs and their different point of views, and above all issuing some Fatwas classifying them according to some odd standards to good and bad and accordingly punish, forgetting frequently the omnipresent God;
My question here is; what have we left then for God?
God will never be God of punishment, but of love
Religion must be separated from secular life; religion remains freedom of choice; we have two paths as any religion puts it; and everyone knows, whether devoted or not, the sequence of each; it’s a self choice for one simple fact, none will relish the good deeds eventually on our behalf, or even take the bad consequences for the bad ones,
So why enforce? Why cause all this chaos around? Why coerce people into Islam believing it the only good religion, when the other two religions similarly preach the existence of one God, Allah;
The persistent question is are we in the end worshipping God or the messengers? Are we worshipping the means and forgetting the aim?
I am not angry Mohammed; having a different point of view does not necessarily categorize me under angry
The previous post I had written before you posted your last comment, but I had a problem posting it then, (and thanks dear Ihath for doing it for me); try reading my comment twice and thrice and then you will sense a different opinion only and definitely not anger, and I assure you no offence was meant and hopefully none was taken
I am re- commenting here on the last line of your last post; where ‘you’ too bragged being a devoted Moslem, pray and fast and etc;
In this case: YOU ARE NOT DOING IT FOR ME OR OTHERS Mohammed,
It’s for your sake and for your God
I have to go now; Ihath knows how busy I am
Cheers
P.S.
I LIKE YOUR SENSE OF HUMOUR MOHAMMED; KEEP UP THE GOOD JOKES, BUT NOT SADDI’S ONES…PLEASE
Once more; had the same problem posting my comment; my computer is playing funny games with me; may be it’s angry at my comments; God knows!!!!
11:11 AM
:)
My question here is; why do u suppose I was bragging :)
I mean...
:)
Just praying and fasting doesn't make you devoted or anything where I live :) In fact I would alienate most people if I said what's on my mind...:)
I was just being sarcastic... that I have all the "evil" typical signs: middle eastern looks, speaking in Arabic, doing wicked religious stuff, Arab nationalism ....
anyway,
I feel you had something to say to muslims and you needed a portal to the arab world and you felt that I represent the typical arab mind and that i'd argue with you...
well, I don't...:)
You think that key to extremism is bragging...
Well, maybe...
for me it's lack of freedom....
lack of questioning of what you believe in..
failure of the old religious institution...
dictatorship...
demographic changes...
Just note Lia how many Arab countries are secular.... ?and see if that really rooted out terrorists? and read more for the takfiryeen to know their rational and understand how they view life... that's important for not only do we need to refute them but to argue with them....
anyway,
a joke :
an Iraqi mother asked her son:
what's this democracy everybody is talking about?
son thought for awhile and said:
It means that now, every four years we get a new president!
- you mean that every four years there'll be looting and shooting ?
:)
salam
12:20 PM
Khalid said:
"ihath, 2ana ma momkin 2az3al minnik..."
I've met numbers in Arabic words transliterated into English and always wondered what they mean. Do you use them when there are no corresponding letters in English? Is there some agreement which number corresponds to which letter?
Thanks!
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