ihath

ihath is one year old today.

I know you are all shaking all your heads with disbelief, how could have a one year old child written all this nonsense. Ok! I am not one year old but the name ihath is. It was about one year ago about this time of the month that I went to bed tired and restles. As I was half awake and half asleep I heard a voice whisper the word ihath into my ear. Two weeks later I registered the name and shortly afterwards started to blog.

Two years ago, had somebody told me that I would want to write, I would have laughed at them. Me? write? But I can’t write, I am just a computer geek, plus I have nothing that I want to say, nothing that I want to write about. And then, just like that, in one moment all of that changed. I remember that moment vividly, there was electricity in the air everything felt intense and multiplied by 100. I wrote a letter to somebody that came straight from the heart. I was expecting that person to ignore my letter and throw it away, instead he reacted is such an emotional way that it completely surprised me. I realized that when you write straight from the gut that it can influence other people in positive and constructive ways. I realized that the keyboard can be mightier than a tank. And that was that, I never stopped writing since. It all was just a fluke. It came out of nowhere. I never dreamed nor wanted to be a writer before that.

And then I published the first article in a magazine. Seeing my name in print gave me such a rush, I have no idea why. But I just wanted more. Welcome to the crazy house of writing. Self doubt, self loathing, I am too stupid to write this, everything I write is trash, people will laugh at me, nobody would want to read this garbage. When I started writing I went to see the movie Adaptation. It is a movie about the messed up crazy process called writing. It made me realize that I am not the only one who finds it torturous. Writing requires hours and hours of being completely inside your head listening to your own inner voice. Spending that much time inside your head can drive one crazy. My friend Alyson tells me that I should quit my job and dedicate myself to writing alone. I completely disagree with her. I think, thank god I have a job, kids, and other activities that provide some sane, normal life balance to my life. If I was doing nothing but writing I know I would go crazy. I would become one of those weird people that talk to themselves on the bus. In fact, I don’t think that writing is my ultimate goal, dream and passion. My ultimate dream is something else. I think I just have a limited number of things that I feel compelled to say and explain and once that is done I will stop writing. One thing for sure, is that I will not write for the sake of writing. In fact I think my ultimate dream and goal is something completely different and that will require complete dedication when the time is right.

And then came the letters. I get fan mail that is so sweet and so wonderful that I sometimes have to wonder if it wasn’t intended to somebody else and ended up in my hands by a mistake. I sometimes read the fan mail to my husband, hoping he would be impressed by his wife once he hears what other people write about her. Most of the time he just shrugs his shoulders and tells me not to let it get to my head. There have been many more surprises along the way as well. When I started writing I expected that only women would respond to my writing because of the inwards and emotional nature of my writing. I was surprised time and again by long letters from men who were sharing with me similar experiences, thoughts and feelings. Turns out that the inner world of men is just as complex as the inner world of women….who knew?.... what a gift to discover that. Then there was the playful fun that I discovered I could have once I had my own blog. Many of the posts on my blog are really aimed at a single person. They contain keywords and references that only that person would understand, disguised as yet another post to everybody else. It has been so much fun. I discovered that a blog can be a great way to pull somebody’s goat. I also discovered that people now fear me, because they are afraid that if they annoy me that I will blog about it and cause them public embarrassment. I frequently hear from a friend “ You are not going to blog about that, are you?” right after he says something really stupid. Or “I kept checking your blog all day long because I was sure you would blog about that stupid thing I did yesterday” from another person. Wow! it is like I have this power or influence that I never had before. Then there is the positive influence it had on my family. Every week I print out my post and give it to my mom and dad, usually the post becomes the source of lively discussion on our family weekly lunch get together. My mom says it has helped her understand me better, and we had a few cries together. My husband thinks that I use the blog in order to get back at him for the few times he upset me. My dad delights in finding factual and historical mistakes in my writing. When I started this I told each member of my family that they have a veto right to remove anything from my writing that concerns them if they find it upsetting. My family frequently disagrees with me but non of them have used their veto right, not even once. Which made me realize what a cool family I have. And then right out of the blue I get an email from Atheby of moodless.net fame telling me that he created a new design for my website. Wow! ihath gets a new dress for her first birthday. I can’t think of a better or a nicer gift you could give a blogger. I am still working out some of the kinks out of the new template so please be patient.

There are also unaswered questions, are virtual friendships real friendships or are they more like having imaginary friends?.... I am still thinking on that one.

Frequently people ask me if it bothers me when they link to my website. Why on earth would it bother me if you link to my website? The more links the better. Each time somebody links to my website, I do the linky linky dance, which is similar to the Macarana dance. I would be willing to teach it to any new bloggers.

George Orwell wrote thought provoking stories. But more importantly he bravely lived out his believes. He participated in the second world war against the nazis and volunteered in the spanish civil war against Franco. He actually wrote very little, but wow! what impact. George Orwell wasn't a writer, he wasn't a man of words, he was a man of deeds. His writing wasn't even that great from a pure literary sense.

Two years ago, I went to a party at a friends house. It was during the time Iraq was being bombed in this last war. I met there a woman and started chatting with her. She was telling me about her husband, who is an american and was serving in the army and was involved in the Iraq thing somehow. She told me that his real dream was to write a book. That when he retires from the army (which was due in a short time), he will take a whole year off and finish his novel which he has been thinking about in a long long time. Later this woman asked me where I was from, I told her that I am from Iraq. She looked nervous after I told her that. She then started to apologize, she told me that her husband didn't believe in this war and in fact was only participating in it so that he wouldn't lose his pension. I wanted to ask her "What will your husband's book be about? Will it be about a man who went against his beliefs in order not lose a salary?" I didn't say anything. I just nodded my head. Needless to say I am not going to read his book.

If I am going to be a writer, then I want to be a george orwell not the wimpy military guy. To tell you the truth, I don't think that I have that sorta courage or strength. When push comes to shuv and things get tough and bullets start to fly, I am just a big chickenshit. So, I don’t think that I am going to become a full time writer. I will finish up the few remaining things that I have to say and zip it.

Happy first birthday ihath, you are only one year old but you have already done so much and made my life richer along the way. Not bad for a cheeky little fellow.

There is a way between voice and presence where information flows. In disciplined silence it opens. With wandering talk it closes. .... Rumi