Baby
The best part about traveling is coming back home. Funny, what things I missed while away. Besides family, friends and loved ones. I missed sleeping in my own bed, having clean laundry and being around people I have a common language with.
The little comforts.
The mundane boring stuff I take for granted.
Aaaah! …. it feels good to be home.
Enough about that ….. on with the actual post.
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“Not another baby!” …. was my first thought when I realized that I was pregnant for the third time, 5 years ago.
The youngest was still in diapers and a third baby was not on the agenda. My marriage was on the rocks as I was preparing to tell my husband that I was leaving Israel with or without him. A pregnancy was the absolutely the last thing I needed while moving countries, jobs and changing my life inside out.
My husband wasn’t overjoyed to hear the news either. He just got a scowl on his face and didn’t say much.
But how?
Oh yeah! …. remember that night
Aha! it must have happened then.
We should have been more careful
Aha! yes. We should have been more careful.
I was taking birth control pills as I was certain that two was my limit, but destiny/ higher powers had a different plan in mind. My monthly cycle , which is always 100% regular, was suddenly disrupted. Worried I might be pregnant I had to stop taking the pill because I didn’t know what was going on. Pregnancy test after another turned out negative and that is when I became pregnant.
In hind sight I think that it was my destiny to have three children instead of the three I had planned.
“Abortion” …. my husband mentioned the word once as a suggestion.
I told him that just thinking about it causes me so much mental anguish that I don’t want to think about it or even consider it.
Yet another pregnancy, yet another giving birth event, breast feeding once more, sleepless nights …. I spent all my days contemplating all the hardships already familiar to me that lay ahead of me and I was not looking forwards to it. I have been through it all already twice.
I was depressed about it all.
And then I went to my first medical checkup. The doctor listened to my belly and told me that he can’t hear the babies heart beats. “the baby might be dead, in which case you will have to have a miscarriage, you need to take an ultra sound to verify the state of the fetus” …. the doctor told me.
I left his office alarmed. I tried to make an immediate appointment with the ultra sound people but I couldn’t get the appointment until the next day.
I went to work, but I couldn’t get anything done, my mind was distracted by worrying about the state of my unborn baby.
I went home by the end of the day a nervous wreck. I was crying the whole night not able to sleep not even a wink.
“God is punishing me”, I told my husband. “Its because I didn’t welcome this baby into the world with the same happiness, joy and anticipation that I did my earlier two pregnancies. God is punishing me. Or maybe the fetus felt unwelcome and decided that he or she didn’t want to come into a world that doesn’t want him.”
My husband held my hand all nigh through and tried to reassure me that everything will work out somehow.
The next day he came with me to the ultra sound technician holding my hand, I was shaking with fear at the news I was going to get.
The ultra sound technician told me that the baby was fine, heart beats, movements, size …everything was fine. She told me that at two months of the pregnancy it is not unusual for the doctor to not be able to hear the heart beats since the baby is still moving around and might be positioned is way that doesn’t allow for the heart beats to be heard.
I was crying tears of joy as I heard the good news.
I left the ultra sound place realizing that I cared about this unborn baby already. It was unplanned and very inconvenient but I loved the baby and cared about it already. I also had an urge to go over to the doctor’s office and kicking him in the behind for putting me through 24 hours of hell.
Perhaps higher power wanted to teach me a lesson on accepting events of fate.
My whole attitude changed after that. From doom and gloom and feeling sorry for myself about the hardship I would face I decided that I will welcome this child into the world with same joy I did with my other children.
“poor little me”
changed to
“everything will work out somehow”
I suddenly had the feeling that this child was meant to be despite all my best efforts not to get pregnant and that he would bring good fortune into my life. Everything would work out somehow, I just didn’t know how yet.
When I told my husband that I was going back to Vancouver. He told me many things
“But I might not find a job in Vancouver”
“everything will work out somehow” …. I told him
“But you might not be able to find a job in Vancouver either now that you are pregnant”
“everything will work out somehow” …. I told him
“But if both of us don’t find a job, who will support us?”
“everything will work out somehow, I just don’t know how” …. I told him.
I developed a “everything will work out somehow” attitude about everything. Moving, job search, travel, child care, housing …. no need to worry….. things will work out, my instincts told me.
And my instincts were right …. things did work out …. in amazing and wonderful ways that I couldn’t have imagined at the time.
Recently I was having coffee with my mom, we were chit chatting about this and that when suddenly my mom said something that shocked me, I never thought I would hear these words coming out of her mouth ……. ever.
“You are a better mom than I was” … My mother said.
“Ha? What? Where did that come from?”
“You were pregnant in a difficult situation, yet you were determined to go through with the pregnancy and you managed to put your life in order at the same time, I admire you for it” …. my mother explained.
“You are stronger than me, I didn’t have your strength when I was your age” … my mother continued.
My mother went through an abortion twice in her life.
Nowadays, I look at my 4 year old son and imagining life without him is like trying to imagine my life without one of my legs or arms …. absolutely impossible.
He has brought so much joy and good fortune into my life.
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The little comforts.
The mundane boring stuff I take for granted.
Aaaah! …. it feels good to be home.
Enough about that ….. on with the actual post.
-----------
“Not another baby!” …. was my first thought when I realized that I was pregnant for the third time, 5 years ago.
The youngest was still in diapers and a third baby was not on the agenda. My marriage was on the rocks as I was preparing to tell my husband that I was leaving Israel with or without him. A pregnancy was the absolutely the last thing I needed while moving countries, jobs and changing my life inside out.
My husband wasn’t overjoyed to hear the news either. He just got a scowl on his face and didn’t say much.
But how?
Oh yeah! …. remember that night
Aha! it must have happened then.
We should have been more careful
Aha! yes. We should have been more careful.
I was taking birth control pills as I was certain that two was my limit, but destiny/ higher powers had a different plan in mind. My monthly cycle , which is always 100% regular, was suddenly disrupted. Worried I might be pregnant I had to stop taking the pill because I didn’t know what was going on. Pregnancy test after another turned out negative and that is when I became pregnant.
In hind sight I think that it was my destiny to have three children instead of the three I had planned.
“Abortion” …. my husband mentioned the word once as a suggestion.
I told him that just thinking about it causes me so much mental anguish that I don’t want to think about it or even consider it.
Yet another pregnancy, yet another giving birth event, breast feeding once more, sleepless nights …. I spent all my days contemplating all the hardships already familiar to me that lay ahead of me and I was not looking forwards to it. I have been through it all already twice.
I was depressed about it all.
And then I went to my first medical checkup. The doctor listened to my belly and told me that he can’t hear the babies heart beats. “the baby might be dead, in which case you will have to have a miscarriage, you need to take an ultra sound to verify the state of the fetus” …. the doctor told me.
I left his office alarmed. I tried to make an immediate appointment with the ultra sound people but I couldn’t get the appointment until the next day.
I went to work, but I couldn’t get anything done, my mind was distracted by worrying about the state of my unborn baby.
I went home by the end of the day a nervous wreck. I was crying the whole night not able to sleep not even a wink.
“God is punishing me”, I told my husband. “Its because I didn’t welcome this baby into the world with the same happiness, joy and anticipation that I did my earlier two pregnancies. God is punishing me. Or maybe the fetus felt unwelcome and decided that he or she didn’t want to come into a world that doesn’t want him.”
My husband held my hand all nigh through and tried to reassure me that everything will work out somehow.
The next day he came with me to the ultra sound technician holding my hand, I was shaking with fear at the news I was going to get.
The ultra sound technician told me that the baby was fine, heart beats, movements, size …everything was fine. She told me that at two months of the pregnancy it is not unusual for the doctor to not be able to hear the heart beats since the baby is still moving around and might be positioned is way that doesn’t allow for the heart beats to be heard.
I was crying tears of joy as I heard the good news.
I left the ultra sound place realizing that I cared about this unborn baby already. It was unplanned and very inconvenient but I loved the baby and cared about it already. I also had an urge to go over to the doctor’s office and kicking him in the behind for putting me through 24 hours of hell.
Perhaps higher power wanted to teach me a lesson on accepting events of fate.
My whole attitude changed after that. From doom and gloom and feeling sorry for myself about the hardship I would face I decided that I will welcome this child into the world with same joy I did with my other children.
“poor little me”
changed to
“everything will work out somehow”
I suddenly had the feeling that this child was meant to be despite all my best efforts not to get pregnant and that he would bring good fortune into my life. Everything would work out somehow, I just didn’t know how yet.
When I told my husband that I was going back to Vancouver. He told me many things
“But I might not find a job in Vancouver”
“everything will work out somehow” …. I told him
“But you might not be able to find a job in Vancouver either now that you are pregnant”
“everything will work out somehow” …. I told him
“But if both of us don’t find a job, who will support us?”
“everything will work out somehow, I just don’t know how” …. I told him.
I developed a “everything will work out somehow” attitude about everything. Moving, job search, travel, child care, housing …. no need to worry….. things will work out, my instincts told me.
And my instincts were right …. things did work out …. in amazing and wonderful ways that I couldn’t have imagined at the time.
Recently I was having coffee with my mom, we were chit chatting about this and that when suddenly my mom said something that shocked me, I never thought I would hear these words coming out of her mouth ……. ever.
“You are a better mom than I was” … My mother said.
“Ha? What? Where did that come from?”
“You were pregnant in a difficult situation, yet you were determined to go through with the pregnancy and you managed to put your life in order at the same time, I admire you for it” …. my mother explained.
“You are stronger than me, I didn’t have your strength when I was your age” … my mother continued.
My mother went through an abortion twice in her life.
Nowadays, I look at my 4 year old son and imagining life without him is like trying to imagine my life without one of my legs or arms …. absolutely impossible.
He has brought so much joy and good fortune into my life.
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There is a way between voice and presence where information flows.
In disciplined silence it opens.
With wandering talk it closes. .... Rumi
8:41 AMWelcome back, Ihath!
Three children instead of the three you had planned -- is that a psychologically significant slip-up?
8:49 AM
You are right F. It is as if I can't utter any number other than three when talking about my children. Any other number would be just wrong.
7:28 AM
Three weeks took far too long to pass. Perception and attitude, I suppose, account for this as well as for portions of your story. What some may call strength is in my own experience more often a matter of perception and attitude. Circumstances may cause a change in these, but in the end with time, it is we who have dominion over our perception and attitude and the responsibility to choose to excercise it. Volition is perhaps no better illustrated than in the comments to your story. I am glad for your safe return and for the reminder, at least for me, presented by your story.
9:00 PM
i find it hard to believe a man ever wanted to have sex with hideous corpse like yourself
11:40 AM
lovely story ... thanks for sharing it. It has been my observation that most parents do not want to talk about the difficult choices they often face, and the conflicting and often negative feelings they have about parenthood and about their children.
Hana
2:03 AM
your mother had 2 abortions? my god, why doesnt someone show that prostitute what a condom is. if there is a God he will surely send her straight to hell.
10:13 AM
Oh, I totally love you, ihath! Your stories are SUCH an inspiration.
And you made the right choice, as your mother did. Each situation needs to be analyzed and each decision is never wrong at the time or it wouldn't have been made.
I read your site all the time and I'm glad you're back.
5:34 AM
Ihath, Your work is beautiful...The Quran constantly asks us to keep our commitments. You did, not though coercion but by choice. You've inspired me. Thanks.
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