ihath

“Since they are using generic brown people, why not hire generic brown people that can speak the language.”. I kept thinking to myself as I heard the Arabic language being butchered in the movie Hidalgo. In that pathetic Hollywood movie not famous brown actors pretend to speak Arabic and unfortunately the director has chosen to put lots of Arabic dialog with English subtitles, their language was so bad and so pathetic that I had to block my ears with my own hands because it was hurting to hear such monstrosity. Aside from Omar Al- Shrief who speaks the language beautifully, the rest of the Arabic speaking roles go to people who have no clue and make no effort to speak it in an understandable way. The result ….. a total travesty. Serves me right for renting a Hollywood movie that has a depiction of Arabs or Muslims in it. In Hollywood movie universe …. Arabs and Muslims are either crazy pure evil fanatics that are strategically placed so that the all American hero can get his hero shot at the end or stupid simpletons who provide cheap comic relief breaks to an otherwise serious movie.

During the past weekend I rented the movie Pitch Black, a horror sci-fi movie recommended by a friend. The movie include a Muslim father whose name is Imam and three of his sons. Had I known that the movie included a Muslim character I would have not rented it, as I have vowed after watching Hidalgo never to watch another American movie with Arab or Muslim characters in it. Why pay money in order to be insulted, humiliated and leave frothing at the mouth. Why waste my time to see myself depicted in ways I can’t relate to nor feel any connection to my reality. But, I must say that the movie Pitch Black offers a considerable improvement over Hidalgo. For one thing, the three young boys seemed to speak Arabic fluently, I suspect they are native speakers of the language. One spoke with a Lebanese accent the other with Palestinian or Jordanian accent, but at least they knew the language. The actor playing Imam, the father, spoke Arabic with an American accent but I could tell that he had put an effort into learning the phrases in his dialog well enough so that at least I could understand what he was saying. I appreciated his effort. At least they didn’t butcher the language and make my ears hurt. I wondered early on in the movie why the writer had placed four Muslim pilgrims in the movie. “Either they will turn out to be the source of pure evil that needs to be eliminated or the stupid idiots that mess the situation up for everybody else in the plot”, I thought to myself as the first half hour got underway, but my guess was wrong. In fact the suspense filled movie keeps twisting and turning in most unexpected ways. In the first half hour I thought I would be watching a sci-fi version of Silence of the Lambs but I was wrong then after 45 minutes into the movie I thought I was going to be watching sci-fi version of birds, but I was wrong again. The movie is one suspenseful moment after the next and leaves you guessing a to what will happen till the very last minute. Turns out the four Muslims are just 4 stranded passengers on a harsh planet trying to survive like everybody else ….. Wow! ….. what a unique and radical movie …. on so many levels. Creative indeed.



Many years ago, while living in Glasgow, Scotland, I saw a painting titled “Seeing ourselves the way other people see us” at the museum of modern art. It is a painting done by a Scottish artist whose name I can’t remember. In the painting you see a hairy legged man wearing a kilt with a head that looks like a soccer ball. He is sitting on a chair upholstered with tartan fabric watching TV like a couch potato. Beer bottles and short bread wrappers strewn all over the room. The wall paper in the room is yet another tartan print. Ironic, funny, painful. The painter is at once criticizing his own society yet at the same time making fun of all the outsiders and tourists who want to see Scotland in a certain way. So many thoughts compacted in one painting, introspective, loud, vulgar, annoying, rude, offensive, how dare you? critical, hilarious. That painting is so many things. While living in Glasgow I developed a relationship with the hairy legged, soccer head man. Each time I was in downtown Glasgow, I would make a quick trip to the museum of modern art to say hello to my new friend.

ihath: Hello!, hairy legged soccer head Scottish man, how are you today?
Hairy legged, soccer head Scottish man: Hello ihath. I am smashing. Still sitting here on my arm chair and watching TV. How are you ihath?
ihath: I am fine. Still lost. Still not sure what I am doing on this planet.
Hairy legged, soccer head Scottish man: That is jolly good my lass. I must go now. Time for the next Coronation Street episode.

Every nationality should have at least one “Seeing ourselves the way other people see us” painting. It would be good for the soul of every nation to do that. But I am not in the mood for the hard work of introspection and the grueling work of being self critical. Today I am in the mood for cheep shots made at the expense of the other guy.

Warning: Cheap shot ahead

Disclaimer: This following story is fictional. Any similarities to real events or people living or dead is completly intentional

In honor of the spirit of cheap shots and easy way out, I would like to suggest to all Arab film makers in the middle east to start incorporating American characters into their movies. Payback time! …. I say. For starters lets hire white French actors who will speak English with that heavy Parisian accent to play the role of Americans. After all … all gringos are the same, aren’t they? Make them squirm while they hear their own language being twisted and turned by those that pay it no respect. Then make sure to create plots where the American characters are always the weirdoes. Put them on the defensive ….. I say. Here is one film idea that I am willing to donate for free to any Arabic movie maker provided he or she promises to hire Parisian actors to play the main roles. So here it is.

The Da Falihi Can

A secret society of weirdoes that are obsessed with taking nude pictures of unsuspecting victims is having a meeting at their secret hall. After they perform secret hand shakes they sit down to have their discussion. After they are finished with planning their evil plan to dominate the world. They move on to the next item on their agenda, difficulties faced with taking nude pictures of unsuspecting people. Recently several members have gone to jail and have been scandalized for their god given obsession. It is becoming increasingly difficult to take nude pictures of people who do not want to be pictured in the nude. For one thing, the number of people refusing to expose themselves in the nude is sharply declining in America. As we see in home movies and American college video, American people are willing to take their clothes off for a glass of beer, for a smile or even to get 5 seconds of fame of mare passing attention. Even the big celebrities are willing to take their clothes off. And for this secret society, taking pictures with cooperating subjects is a no-no. It’s just no fun if the subject is willing. Secondly, laws of privacy in the land of the proud and free are becoming ever stricter and harder to work around. In the past priests, police men and politicians were above scrutiny and when they took those pictures people looked the other way. But in today’s sad and skeptic society people look with suspicion even onto the clergy. They all shook their heads at their sad state worrying that their ancient society of weirdoes will become extinct. That is when Freddy the bright one in the group came up with a brilliant plan. And it went something like this.

Lets create a powerful lobby group that pretends to embody good Christian values that influences to put an unsuspecting poor soul into the white house. Then we convince this God fearing poor soul to invade a country because it has weapon of mass destruction. And that we need to liberate that country and give them democracy. Then we infiltrate those silly left wing groups and whisper in their ears that it is all for oil. So that all sides are confused about the real motivation. We must select a conservative country with very modest population. A country where people never show up nude, not even in front of their own family. A country where women are covered up from head to toe and men are covered up from neck to toe. For example, Iraq. Then when the war starts, we all will volunteer as soldiers claiming patriotic feeling. We make sure not to fight and keep our heads low and volunteer to guard the prisoners. And there we can go wild, take nude pictures of modest Iraqis of all shapes and sorts. Then we will create a scandal and those picture will be published in every newspaper and TV station so that our comrades back home can enjoy as well. I predict that even the most respectable of news agencies won’t be able resist to publish those pictures when they have their hand on them. We might even get new recruits into our secret society. As looking at nude picture of Iraqis will become the new American past time. We will have a free hand. We will gain a new legitimacy that we never had before. Taking all the nude pictures we want. Heck! I even predict that we will be able to get nude pictures of their president ….. that man they call Saddam. They call us perverts now but they will start calling heroes who were a bit confused under strain.

Everybody in the room looked unconvinced.
"But that is is too complex and elaborate" said one of them
" I can't believe that a mainstream news agency like CNN would broadcast nude images of Iraqis against their wishes .... I just can't see it happening" said another.
"You think we can fool all those intellectual left wing people to believe that it is all for oil?" siad the third person.

Freddy was annoyed, "Unless one of you is able to come up with a better plan I suggest we stick to mine. These are desperate times and we need desperate actions".

Who knew that the wacky plan would work so well. The weirdoes society was very pleased with the progress acheived in very short time.

The whole middle east was plunging into despair and humiliation. Nude pictures of Iraqis were popping up in mainstream media on a daily basis. The shame was destroying the spirit of this once modest nation. Nobody was safe and nobody knew when it would be their turn to have their pictures takes and have to live out the rest of their life in shame.

That is when our hero Falah comes in. A historian and a scientist, Falah comes across a set of secret documents and reveal to him the existance of the Weirdoes Society. He then walks around the Louvre in Paris and sees all the paintings of nude people done by all the great masters. Falah puts two and two together and figures out that the war was not about oil, nor about weapons nor about democracy, it is about our nude assess. He tries to expose the conspiracy, but nobody believes him.

The director of U.N. named Slofi Banan tells him that since the gravy train of food for oil program ended he has to live off of his meager UN salary and has no time to think about wacky conspiracies.

The director of the CIA assures him that the American public is not interested in hairy Iraqi ass.

The director of Al Jazzeera refuses to air the story because talking about ass and nudity goes against their moral code.

In despair, Falah returns into his Iraq knowing that he has to take matters into his own hands. He works day and night in the laboratory of his house until he discovers Falihi spray. Falihi spray is substance distilled from the sand that when applied to human skin produces ultra violet light undetectable to the human eye but deadly to cameras. It's effects are that it jams all camera regardless of their kind and make and inplace of a nude body the picture appears with a black blob instead. Falah travels all across Iraq disguised as a holy man and telling them that the Falihi spray is a holy substance blessed by all religeous clerics. All the people start applying the Falihi spary and all nude pictures of Iraqis appear with big black blobs in place of nude bodies. The weirdoes society starts withdrawing from the army because their plan has failed.

A group of Islamic terrorist discover the true nature of the Falihi spay and steal huge quantities of it. They travel to the US and apply the spray on all american actresses and fashion models and porno stars. This causes a complete colapse of American pop culture and Hollywood producers vow to make movies in accordance to Islamic shria'a laws.

Falah becomes a popular figure and is votted to be the next Iraqi president. During his inaguration he announces his love to Fahima ( whom I forgot to introduce earlier in the story in order to make this more of a complelling ending). Fahima accepts his marriage proposal. Fahima and Falah get married in a big ceremony in the middle of Fardous square dancing and singing all night long. Their wedding photo is one big happy black blob.

Both American and Iraqi people live happily ever after and Weirdoes society go to therapy to help them heal from their evil ways.

The End

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If such a movie is made, all American pundits will be arguing till they turn blue in the face that not all Americans are perverts ….. and we will assure them that we the liberals in our own society understand and sympathize. Hey! …. some of my best friends are Americans. Yeah!..... I met an American once ….. he was a nice guy and all.

There is a way between voice and presence where information flows. In disciplined silence it opens. With wandering talk it closes. .... Rumi