A blog that nobody reads
Once upon a time, not so long ago and not that far away, I had a blog that nobody read. It was just a private little blog where I poured my emotions into, bad spelling, nonsensical logic and disconnected thoughts were abound. I still remember the day I discovered that somebody linked to my blog. Oh! the excitement that I felt. The thought that somebody in a far away place read, understood and perhaps was even touched by something that I had written and felt it worthy to go through the trouble of placing a link to his blog. I was so happy, I felt validated, in-fact I liked the attention; I felt that I mattered somehow. It made me want to write more, put more juice into it, reach more people. There were more links, better links, more important links, even “oh my god” mentions in the press.
And then, and then and then everybody started to read my blog. And then people started to form opinions about my blog, some people even had several opinions about my blog, and then people would let me know what they thought of my blog.
There are those who are mad because I mentioned so and so in one of my posts and didn’t mention them. There are those who are mad because they got mentioned but not in the way that they want to be mentioned. There are those who start conversations with me by saying “this is not for your blog”. There are those who watch what they say around me because they know that I could blog about it and humiliate them in public.
Suddenly, it felt like it mattered what I thought, the way it never mattered before. Suddenly I had this power, a magical weapon, that I could unleash on a whim, I could intimidate people with. But with this power came restrictions.
My daugher’s teacher told me that she enjoys reading my blog. “Oh Nooooooooo!” I thought to myself when she said that. I now can’t write anything that might make me seem like a freak. I want my daughter’s teacher to think that we are “Normal”. I can’t write about the hysterical reaction I had when my husband decided to renovate the house.
My husband’s students at the university read my blog. Which means I can’t discuss anything too risqué, like sexuality, or funky behavior, because in academia my husband wants to look respectable.
I still remember the hysteria and panic I felt when a young man from my husband’s hometown of 20,000 sent me an email telling me how happy he was to find a blog mentioning this tiny little town outside of Nazareth. “Heavens help me”. I went through every single post I had ever written to make sure that I never mention my husband’s hometown or my in-laws in a negative manner. In a Palestinian village of 20,000 once one person gets a good piece of gossip in days everybody in the village is talking about it within the week. That day, as soon as I got home, I told my husband in the most dire tone of voice “I got an email from a man from your home town, his name is xxx, be prepared that your family might find out about my blog”. I spent many nights awake in bed thinking what my in-laws will say about the blog once they read it. They thought I was this nice sweet daughter in-law who always smiles and seems so positive.
Respectable, Normal, Sweet, my blog became after a while … and also boring. I looked though my last several posts and they are all so painfully dull. Where did the fire go, the honesty … all gone.
To blog or not not blog …. that is not my question. I feel pretty committed. To blog as if nobody reads my blog? That is the real question.
And then, and then and then everybody started to read my blog. And then people started to form opinions about my blog, some people even had several opinions about my blog, and then people would let me know what they thought of my blog.
There are those who are mad because I mentioned so and so in one of my posts and didn’t mention them. There are those who are mad because they got mentioned but not in the way that they want to be mentioned. There are those who start conversations with me by saying “this is not for your blog”. There are those who watch what they say around me because they know that I could blog about it and humiliate them in public.
Suddenly, it felt like it mattered what I thought, the way it never mattered before. Suddenly I had this power, a magical weapon, that I could unleash on a whim, I could intimidate people with. But with this power came restrictions.
My daugher’s teacher told me that she enjoys reading my blog. “Oh Nooooooooo!” I thought to myself when she said that. I now can’t write anything that might make me seem like a freak. I want my daughter’s teacher to think that we are “Normal”. I can’t write about the hysterical reaction I had when my husband decided to renovate the house.
My husband’s students at the university read my blog. Which means I can’t discuss anything too risqué, like sexuality, or funky behavior, because in academia my husband wants to look respectable.
I still remember the hysteria and panic I felt when a young man from my husband’s hometown of 20,000 sent me an email telling me how happy he was to find a blog mentioning this tiny little town outside of Nazareth. “Heavens help me”. I went through every single post I had ever written to make sure that I never mention my husband’s hometown or my in-laws in a negative manner. In a Palestinian village of 20,000 once one person gets a good piece of gossip in days everybody in the village is talking about it within the week. That day, as soon as I got home, I told my husband in the most dire tone of voice “I got an email from a man from your home town, his name is xxx, be prepared that your family might find out about my blog”. I spent many nights awake in bed thinking what my in-laws will say about the blog once they read it. They thought I was this nice sweet daughter in-law who always smiles and seems so positive.
Respectable, Normal, Sweet, my blog became after a while … and also boring. I looked though my last several posts and they are all so painfully dull. Where did the fire go, the honesty … all gone.
To blog or not not blog …. that is not my question. I feel pretty committed. To blog as if nobody reads my blog? That is the real question.
There is a way between voice and presence where information flows.
In disciplined silence it opens.
With wandering talk it closes. .... Rumi
11:57 PMTo blog as if nobody reads my blog? That is the real question.
Perhaps, but just asking that question is somewhat disingenuous, isn't it? I mean, the medium - that is the "blogging medium" - is far from private. It's just like venting through a megaphone and worried that people may hear.
I guess the warning not to write anything that one would be ashamed of is still the best.
P.S. I just discovered your blog via Palestine blogs. I have added it to my favourites.
7:27 AM
here's a reader from the UK.
starliz
10:43 AM
blog definitely =) maybe all you need is to be a bit more aware of what you say if the issue is that you may cause discomfort to those you love (although to be honest, ive not really read anything that had i been related to you would shock me or make me cringe reading it here, but thats just my opinion). I do miss your original 'losing my' story style posts, they are what really got me into your blog. Thats my two cents from a long time reader second time commenter lol
5:19 PM
I've never written you before, but I've often wanted to. I never did because it's a public space, and maybe my comments might somehow identify me someday to someone! (BTW I found your blog accidentally one day while googling something else, and was pleasantly surprised when I found it came from my city!). But I'm writing now to tell you that I have laughed out loud, and I've cried too, when I read your blog, ESPECIALLY the riskier honest stuff. I've thought about doing my own blog, but I have the same concerns you talked about. What would people I know think of what I write? How to keep from censoring myself? But honest writing is the only good writing! And besides, you don't know how many of your readers might have been afraid to say what they really felt and are glad that you had the courage to say it.
8:52 PM
Next time someone asks me why I don't start my own blog, I'll refer them to this post:))
It's funny how much blogs reflect society. Oh, I don't always agree with everything you write, but then I don't always agree with any one person.
But I love your stories, your writing, your different perspective, your personal insights and your willingness to share.
People who attack bloggers or think they should censor bloggers are probably the same people trying to impose their views on the rest of society....although the anonymous aspects of the Internet seems to embolden some pretty rude people to act in ways I doubt they would in person.
Keep blogging. Please:)
seb
4:47 PM
do both :) create a new blog that no-one does read. make it anonymous. or- be honest and let people judge you as they see fit. The judgement these persons make is only reflective of their respective views on life and its critical issues :)
Luke*(y)*
6:02 AM
I was having the same question today and accidentaly i met with your post "To blog as if nobody reads my blog? That is the real question."
i donno, but your post encouraged me to continue on-blogging, it was like a sort of a message!
Thanks for sharing your thoughts.
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